Just emo...

Sometimes I feel (or I think?) this world has so many temptations, to a point that it is pretty hopeless to be steadfast in fending them all. My charge is: This modern world is just a messed up world to live in.

For a start, everyone has feelings by 18 (max), and one is supposed to abstain oneself from any form of 'dodgy involvement' until perhaps 25. The thing is, not everyone shares this spiritual struggle as some people just couldn’t be bothered that much about being true to the Law (maybe I’m just a hypocrite, I stumble all the time too).

Of course, the common argument is: Get yourself busy and you won’t have time for this and that. Well honestly, school work itself is driving me crazy already, add my activism and other extra-curricular activities, I’m pretty much half-dead most of the days. So yes… I’m busy and there always seems to be not enough time for everything.

But you can’t say: I’m too busy to a point that I don’t feel like eating. Well, maybe that happens during some odd days when you’re so busy, but not everyday for 5 years right? So yes I’m busy, but that doesn’t mean, for example, I don’t feel like talking to someone I’m not supposed to talk to (let’s just consider this as a hypothetical case).

So I guess I have to continue fighting myself for the next five years. That seems like a monumental feat that borders on being impossible to do. I know it should be: I live my life for You - a statement that is way easier said than done. Usually it’s more like, I live my life for my own nafs. What ungrateful servant!

Note: It is a rahmah that in this world other people are veiled from seeing the content of our heart, what we actually do behind everyone’s back, and who we really are. If we really know all those things, we won’t be able to even sit with each other peacefully. Of course we can’t run away during that Day.