Actually I am currently in exam week, which means I should be studying right now, but my short concentration span on numbers and Sum – with the big stylized S – brought me here. I often wonder what effect does dyslexia have on me nowadays, but I am pretty sure that my theoretical musing on this matter is just a form of escapism from admitting that I am just being plain lazy – at times.
I guess you must have noticed that the title of this post is the same as the ‘catch-word’ of this blog. Actually I got the idea for that ‘catch-word’ from my last year’s design course project, which I had to propose a design for the new Peace Bridge at Buffalo-Niagara – just a university course, nothing real, in case you are wondering. The name of the project was “A Bridge Over Troubled Water.” At the same time last year, I’ve gone through a lot of changes and some hardship – relatively, I admit I have an easy life thus far. Soul or in Arabic nafs, was something that concerned me a lot during that time - still do. I felt like I have never realized about its existence before, after all these years – amazingly, well maybe this is a bit of a hyperbola. It was the awareness about the condition of my heart and it’s hard to explain what it was about exactly. With that, a plethora of things regarding me – from personality to behavior etcetera – have gone through some reverse engineering processes. My best friend sum it up in a sentence as “the continuous evolution of ****” [my real name, censored]. I guess it must be at the very least perplexing, for someone who has known me for a long time to see me going through these facets of change. It is true that people change all the time, it’s all dynamic, but sometimes the changes are mild and sometimes they are drastic; more importantly I am not talking about changes per se.
Sometimes the physical body seems healthy, but the inner soul is in great turmoil. Sometimes we don’t even understand why we are in such and such condition. Actually we may intellectually understand why, but everything just seems so hard… Some say it’s just part and parcel of being adolescent, but I think it applies to everyone regardless of age or whatever. I have some friends who are currently in this so-called skepticism (if not Ghazalian skepticism) phase. The usual characteristic of this phase is the ‘uzlah period (the noun would be al-‘Azel), which I guess can be loosely translated to English as 'to retreat'. I had a conversation with a friend – more like a teacher-cum-friend to me – whom I call him as just abang. I don’t really know him actually, but he is one of those people I just feel at ease with. He said, “I’m running far right now.” I guess running here applies to both: metaphorical and literal. He continued, “Actually, I don’t know why I changed my personality” After I suggested that I’ve noticed even though I don’t know him that much, he concluded, “I don’t know, I don’t even know myself.”
How ironic, this seems to be a carbon copy of the condition of another friend of mine whom I barely know too, but for some reason I feel at ease with. There is nothing much that I can do, I realize that. Sometimes I am perplexed by the changes that are happening, and in the process, my selfish-self tries to protect my own self-interests. My apologies. I hope you can bear with my idiosyncrasies, which I don't understand them myself. As for my asking - just like them - it’s nothing more than I want you to be successful.
p/s: This blog will include some more personal posts like this from now on. I would like to remind myself from making all my emotions a public affair too ;) Hehe…
I guess you must have noticed that the title of this post is the same as the ‘catch-word’ of this blog. Actually I got the idea for that ‘catch-word’ from my last year’s design course project, which I had to propose a design for the new Peace Bridge at Buffalo-Niagara – just a university course, nothing real, in case you are wondering. The name of the project was “A Bridge Over Troubled Water.” At the same time last year, I’ve gone through a lot of changes and some hardship – relatively, I admit I have an easy life thus far. Soul or in Arabic nafs, was something that concerned me a lot during that time - still do. I felt like I have never realized about its existence before, after all these years – amazingly, well maybe this is a bit of a hyperbola. It was the awareness about the condition of my heart and it’s hard to explain what it was about exactly. With that, a plethora of things regarding me – from personality to behavior etcetera – have gone through some reverse engineering processes. My best friend sum it up in a sentence as “the continuous evolution of ****” [my real name, censored]. I guess it must be at the very least perplexing, for someone who has known me for a long time to see me going through these facets of change. It is true that people change all the time, it’s all dynamic, but sometimes the changes are mild and sometimes they are drastic; more importantly I am not talking about changes per se.
Sometimes the physical body seems healthy, but the inner soul is in great turmoil. Sometimes we don’t even understand why we are in such and such condition. Actually we may intellectually understand why, but everything just seems so hard… Some say it’s just part and parcel of being adolescent, but I think it applies to everyone regardless of age or whatever. I have some friends who are currently in this so-called skepticism (if not Ghazalian skepticism) phase. The usual characteristic of this phase is the ‘uzlah period (the noun would be al-‘Azel), which I guess can be loosely translated to English as 'to retreat'. I had a conversation with a friend – more like a teacher-cum-friend to me – whom I call him as just abang. I don’t really know him actually, but he is one of those people I just feel at ease with. He said, “I’m running far right now.” I guess running here applies to both: metaphorical and literal. He continued, “Actually, I don’t know why I changed my personality” After I suggested that I’ve noticed even though I don’t know him that much, he concluded, “I don’t know, I don’t even know myself.”
How ironic, this seems to be a carbon copy of the condition of another friend of mine whom I barely know too, but for some reason I feel at ease with. There is nothing much that I can do, I realize that. Sometimes I am perplexed by the changes that are happening, and in the process, my selfish-self tries to protect my own self-interests. My apologies. I hope you can bear with my idiosyncrasies, which I don't understand them myself. As for my asking - just like them - it’s nothing more than I want you to be successful.
p/s: This blog will include some more personal posts like this from now on. I would like to remind myself from making all my emotions a public affair too ;) Hehe…
I wish I am strong enough to do whatever I suppose to do, and I wish I'm not giving up. This is so hard Taufik (read: ur own name). I don't know how long I can stand this phase. Feeling like giving up, but I can't- I feel bad. Feeling like moving on, still, I am here. Haar~ Susahnye..
ReplyDeleteyour 'another friend of mine whom I barely know too, but for some reason I feel at ease with'
I know that you are strong. Never loose hope ok.
ReplyDelete"Certainly no one despairs of Allah's Mercy, except the people who disbelieve.'' (Qur'an 12:87)